Musing: The Evils of Birds and Why Thanksgiving is a Must.

Squib’s perpetual smile was a mask for eternal torment and a unhealthy desire to decorate park statues with poop.

So I was headed into work today, the day before Thanksgiving, my usual commute involves walking through my neighborhood and to the incline (a slow lift that Tourists mistake for a roller coaster that goes 3 miles per hour).  As I made by decent, on the hill side, I saw this:

You lookin’ at me?

Ok.   Slight exaggeration.   But my point is this: I live in Pittsburgh, on a mountain, but this family of Turkeys was actually chilling ON the sheer face of a mountain side.   Even more baffling, they were above the expressway that weaves up the mountain.  Did they buy a family set of mountain climbing equipment?   There were baby turkeys there too.  Last time I checked, Turkeys don’t have access to baby carriers.

The strangeness doesn’t stop there.   Last year I was getting in my car to head out on the same day and found myself surrounded by… Turkeys.

I know many of you have eaten Turkey before, but if you haven’t seen one, up close.  They are big birds.   Even if many of them were young, seeing a group of them… staring at you… is pretty unsettling.

Sadly. I am not armed with the ability to explode turkey heads with a series of punches and Bruce Lee shrieks.

Thankfully Turkeys don’t hang out together to the degree of pigeons.   With a handful of breadcrumbs you could recreate a scene from the Birds.  And if it was an army of Ducks?   Foggedaboudit.   Ducks act nice.   But they are jerks.  I recall at a previous office job, there was a family of ducks that frequented the little pond in the office park.  I swear their existence hinged on making people late for work by having tea parties in the middle of the road.   I have found a high tech simulator of this frustration for your personal enjoyment.

Never has such an accurate representation been made. Poor robot, I feel your pain.


My entire purpose of this little foray is to help you eat your turkey tomorrow with a clear conscience.   In fact I want to do one better.   I want you to add a new layer of appreciation to Thanksgiving.   You are averting an impending invasion of annoyances and inconveniences while at the same time eating delicious food.

3 thoughts on “Musing: The Evils of Birds and Why Thanksgiving is a Must.

  1. The turkeys! THEY’RE EVERYWHERE! o_o

    I live next to a river parkway, so I see a variety of wildlife in my neighborhood. I have been confronted by a group, known as a “rafter,” of wild turkeys when rounding a corner. My first thought was “cranes” because they’re just so big. They’re not afraid of anything, and I can see them being fine with living in more populated areas.

    It’s not surprising that the turkeys you saw were hanging out on a hillside. I found this quote on
    “Wild turkeys feed on the ground, which might explain the myth of their flightlessness. They can in fact soar for short bursts at up to 55 mph. But their tendency to stay on or near the ground contributed to successful hunting that brought the wild population of turkeys down to about 30,000 in the 1930s. There are now 7 million of them.”

    I don’t think I’d be interested in eating a wild turkey. I prefer white meat, and the breast meat on farm turkeys is lighter because they’re too fat to fly like wild turkeys. Besides if an animal is smart enough to live on its own in the wild, I’d prefer to let it live (as long as there’s no overpopulation). 😉

    Happy Turkey Day! 😀

    • Oh sure, encourage the Turkey Apocalypse why don’t you. Who’s side are you on?! In all seriousness, it completely slipped my mind that Turkeys can fly. Its pretty interesting that they like the ground so much. I also didn’t realize they were in such abundance.

      …that’s not scary at all.

      Now if you’ll excuse me. I’ll be sneaking up on one commando style to get me some free thanksgiving dinner.

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