Squib’s perpetual smile was a mask for eternal torment and a unhealthy desire to decorate park statues with poop.

So I was headed into work today, the day before Thanksgiving, my usual commute involves walking through my neighborhood and to the incline (a slow lift that Tourists mistake for a roller coaster that goes 3 miles per hour).  As I made by decent, on the hill side, I saw this:

You lookin’ at me?

Ok.   Slight exaggeration.   But my point is this: I live in Pittsburgh, on a mountain, but this family of Turkeys was actually chilling ON the sheer face of a mountain side.   Even more baffling, they were above the expressway that weaves up the mountain.  Did they buy a family set of mountain climbing equipment?   There were baby turkeys there too.  Last time I checked, Turkeys don’t have access to baby carriers.

The strangeness doesn’t stop there.   Last year I was getting in my car to head out on the same day and found myself surrounded by… Turkeys.

I know many of you have eaten Turkey before, but if you haven’t seen one, up close.  They are big birds.   Even if many of them were young, seeing a group of them… staring at you… is pretty unsettling.

Sadly. I am not armed with the ability to explode turkey heads with a series of punches and Bruce Lee shrieks.

Thankfully Turkeys don’t hang out together to the degree of pigeons.   With a handful of breadcrumbs you could recreate a scene from the Birds.  And if it was an army of Ducks?   Foggedaboudit.   Ducks act nice.   But they are jerks.  I recall at a previous office job, there was a family of ducks that frequented the little pond in the office park.  I swear their existence hinged on making people late for work by having tea parties in the middle of the road.   I have found a high tech simulator of this frustration for your personal enjoyment.

Never has such an accurate representation been made. Poor robot, I feel your pain.

My entire purpose of this little foray is to help you eat your turkey tomorrow with a clear conscience.   In fact I want to do one better.   I want you to add a new layer of appreciation to Thanksgiving.   You are averting an impending invasion of annoyances and inconveniences while at the same time eating delicious food.