[April Fools!] Insights: Two Destroyers the Movie!

So after deciding to forgo the novel format completely, talks are in for a movie production of Two Destroyers.  Nothing has been finalized but Michael Bay would best represent the integrity of the story.  After haggling with the usual hang ups of converting a book to a movie, there were some initial issues with the cast.   With some compromise we came to a star studded cast.

First up Naida Holderin, we wanted someone tough and representative of a lady warrior.

Some minor costume changes were made. I stayed adamant there would be no chainmail bikinis, we settled on a tasteful chainmail one piece that shows ample cleavage.

Some minor costume changes were made. I stayed adamant there would be no chainmail bikinis, we settled on a tasteful chainmail one piece that shows ample cleavage.

Megan Fox was a no-brainer.   With her recent forays in substantial action movies like Transformers and her upcoming role as April O’ Neil in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles it made sense to have her play the part of Naida.   There will be some minor revisions to the story regarding her sword fights, as she now has the ability to intimidate men by looking saucy.

What fantasy story would be complete without the hypnotic gaze of her beautiful eyes.   I assure you though, the decision was made entirely on her acting prowess and has nothing to do with the twenty minutes of slow motion footage.


Next up Helgando “Hush” Barrington.


He’s big right? Perfect.


Vin Diesel was another no brainer.   He has a great on screen presence and basically personifies action hero.   We won’t be wasting any time with proper bow form on the movie, instead focusing on Hush’s ability to throw arrows or cut to the chase and jab it directly into people’s foreheads.   His natural knack for snappy one liners should breathe depth into the story like never before.

I’ve always been a fan of Vin since XXX, (the best named movie ever) and have watched every Fast and Furious movie at least six times.   Seriously, the oscars keep over looking these movies.   Such a tragedy.

Next Up, Tartagin Tolten.

Ben Stein

Did you even need to think about this?

Ben Stein is well known for his wide range of emotions and comedic execution.   But up until now he’s only had bit parts that never challenged his true genius.   The mysterious priest of the Goddess, soothsayer of the Betrayal of Sons is in no better hands than this guy.   His natural knack for delivering interesting lines will make him jump off the screen, and really bring Tartagin to life.

There are few men in the Hollywood world that can boast the kinds of credentials he has.   His rich knowledge of law and numeric will add authenticity to Tartagin’s hour long lectures on the mating habits of Marmots.

He’s found time to take on the project between filming his upcoming action movie deals to join the cast of Two Destroyers.

Next up, Zammela Glemeis:

lidsay lohan

Just look at that judging stare.

Lindsey Lohan was one of my first picks for Zam.   Most of the issues came from negotiations regarding hair color.   Once an agreement was made though, I couldn’t be happier.

Lindsey brings forth the argumentative nature of Zam while retaining a firm sense of empathy.   The early moments of loss will be captured perfectly by her deep experience with the legal system.

Sure Miss Lohan may take difficult to a new extreme, but movies are all about bigger and better.   Two Destroyers will be her breakthrough movie showing the world she’s not someone the apocalypse can mess with.

Next up, Derrek Graymer.


See what I did there?

I had to pull some serious strings for this one, since most of the population of the world assumed he was dead.   Not so.   Two Destroyers was just the catalyst needed to bring Tupac back from the dead.    And it’s appropriate right?   I mean what better way to show the world you aren’t dead by being in a movie about dying a lot.

That aside Tupac’s mix of baby face and no bullshit thug power makes a perfect match for Derrek.   Some revisions were made to the story to give him some butt kicking scenes he deserves.


There are other surprises as well, such as Terry Gene Bollea, better known as Hulk Hogan is cast as the Shield of the King, Randy Mario Poffo or Macho Man Randy Savage will be digitally acting as Barton Holderin and Halle Berry as Shay Maah.

Thanks for reading and Happy April First.

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